It’s not often that I talk about parenting. I like to keep it private. Albeit, many people really don’t know I’m a mom to an adorable and quite funny seven-year-old – unless I mention it. However, constantly I get the nudge to share my story and how being a young parent in conservation and still following your dreams is not for the faint-hearted. I’ve even had the idea of starting a ‘Mothering Wild’ podcast series where we can talk about the issues candidly. Maybe one day as I still navigate this starting a podcast idea that remains part of my thoughts I’ll be courageous enough to start.

I have no idea why it has taken me very long to do this considering starting my blog was honestly easy. I’m constantly thinking of it being perfect knowing very well the first few episodes won’t achieve my overly high expectations – or maybe they will be. Who knows?

Where it starts

Let’s begin with a tiny snippet of why this podcast idea was thrust to me by God,  the Universe, Higher Power – whatever you choose to call it. When I joined the employment space, my son was only a few months past one year old. To say I was not scared will not be deserving of what I overcame in the first few years of employment. The sleepless nights, battling to still be a present parent while at the same time building a blog and achieving my work goals were overwhelming. The constant wish of having my own mother around to help me – to guide me. The resentment that she wasn’t around.

Every time I face challenges now I remember those years and how I was able to go through the challenges,  disappointments,  heartaches and constantly wondering if I could hack motherhood while still following my dreams. It’s in those years when all I did was write. It kept me going when all I felt like doing was running away to a faraway country and never looking back. Disappear completely from anyone who knew me. Thankfully, this is also the time I started gratitude journaling to remind myself of all I had and would have, especially when I thought I was nothing. When I thought I wasn’t enough. This period is always a reminder that I can always start over.

Why I wrote

Writing not only on Nyika Silika but where I worked at the time, gave me purpose. Knowing people resonated with my words still gets me in a positive headspace every single time. Whenever I look at my earlier words, especially 2018 content, I wonder who that girl was – the content was and still is top-notch. So, what’s in this story and why do I want to share it?

Blessings in disguise

I’ll start with an event I will not be forgetting any time soon. I may have forgiven the judgemental statements that were made on that day but forgetting is one thing that my mind has refused to do – for now. There was an opportunity at this time to go learn about wildlife filmmaking. I remember expressing my interest in said opportunity but what happened next shocked me. I was excited that there could be a spot for me but the lead person was told about it and the comment made was disheartening.

Apparently, I couldn’t be involved because I had a young child. I remember thinking in my head how I’m not breastfeeding my child and he doesn’t need me to be there.  How I had a nanny who was going to take care of him while I was away. How I even had a supportive family who would check on him if there was any trouble. In fact, at my previous job, I attended events out of Nairobi very often. But no, she can’t attend because of him. 

The said statement haunted me for a while. It is not only I who was troubled. My son was too because of how I behaved. Parents will understand that children have a strong affinity for noticing something is wrong. Even though I seemed happy like I had taken that statement lightly,  I didn’t.  How I felt when I got home was different. 

To this day I wonder why I stayed but all I know is that I’m not a rebel plus I really enjoyed the work I was doing at the time. It was only the last year that I realised I was close to losing my soul and I deserved better. My son deserved to see me happier.

Building a community is my intention

As I write this, I’m constantly reminded of every mom who is the main caregiver, provider and literally everything. Those of us who are fortunate enough to have families and friends that are a huge support system – I am entirely grateful for the ones I have. I can call impromptu for them to look after him while I am away and they will not falter. The thought of knowing you can wake up and leave your son and/or daughter to be a child even when we are not around is priceless, peaceful and divine. I’ve understood the statement that children are raised by a community very well. Over the years, I’ve woken up and gone for hikes and camping trips without going back home on the same day. Maybe some days I’ve had to go back home. 

Every time I’m reminded that if I don’t do the things I love, what makes me happy, then I’m setting a mediocre and below-average standard for my son. In the end, if I’m not following my dreams then he faces the backlash of an angry mom who feels he is the problem. I’m always reminded of what my Aunt told me, ‘if you don’t do the things that make you happy, you will hate your child for not doing them’. This is not a way to live. I’ve reminded one of my close friends of this before and I’m glad she is doing what she loves every single day. We are in this together. 

I thought I should share this

These are words that would go in my journal (are already in my journal) but every time I think of the sorry to say, ‘bullshit’ I have experienced in the past and any I might face in the future, I know someone else needs to hear this brief part of my whole motherhood journey. To know that many people don’t want you to succeed so you have to want it badly enough for yourself. To know that you will work extra hard as a female in the conservation space but even extra harder when you are a mother.

Always remember the little mouths that ask you endless questions even when you don’t want to hear them and give answers to them. Understand that even though life may have been delayed a bit for you, it didn’t stop for them and they consider you in high regard. The very best in fact. And only you can be the best mother they could ever ask for.

Growing and learning together

As I raise a chess novice – and finally get someone to teach me, while also figuring out if painting is something he likes, I hope I give him as many choices as possible to grow, learn and of importance, play. At the moment, being in the present is all I can be for all the numerous days, months and years I was raising him in survival mode. Hopefully,  I’ll bring his numerous stories, like this one, to life. 

Let’s hope the podcast series takes shape soon enough because I do know a bunch of young wild women and mothers who would love to share their stories. This is me holding myself accountable first before my accountability friends do. 

In the end

The truth is, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without the trauma, adversity, challenges, disappointments and loss in my own past. It’s an opportunity to always look back, reflect, learn and grow from the experiences. A lesson I’ve learned from my final book of 2022, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey.

I leave you with these final words;

“You wouldn’t have a desire or a dream unless it were within your power to make it real. You are the dreamer you’ve been looking for.” – Eric John Campbell

It’s been 12 years of Nyika Silika and in these, 7 years have been spent being a mom. I have no idea what the next steps hold but I do know better things are in the making. Trusting the process as always.

Featured image by Sandra Ruong’o as featured here. One of my 2022 wins.